Excerpts from my Journal: Apr. 11 ‘22

Trigger Warning: CSA, SA, Eating Disorder

-Embarrassment-

I hate being fat when I’m around people. I feel as though I am subjecting them to my body. To the fat that hangs off my belly and arms. I feel like I’m doing something wrong, by being a fat person in public. I am hurting the people around me, by making them see me.

I hate myself when I look in the mirror. I am really starting to see parts of me as disgusting. I haven’t felt this way since high school, when my drug of choice was restriction.

I am full of shame.

I punish myself by eating and eating and eating. Binging is now my drug of choice.

I realize now, that I use my fat as a physical shield to protect the body, no one looked out for.

My body is still a crime scene.

I am still what happened to me.