Essay-ish
TW: Childhood Trauma, Survivorship, Resentment
I read something this week that really got the tears flowing. In this post the author spoke of survivors of childhood trauma and how they are constantly looking for someone to save them. No, not out of laziness or dutiful submission. It’s from not realizing they can save themselves. That they are the heroes they grew up searching for.
I think a lot of trauma specialists, who haven’t gone through trauma themselves, constantly make this mistake. They simplify. Then vomit pretty words from that simplification. They don’t take into account the decades of tainted thinking and realizations. Realizations being key here.
Realizations are the things that hurt us the most. Especially as we grow older and come into own compassion and empathy. Especially if we are a cycle breaker.
Whether surface level or deep down, we really do look at our past selves with the love and care we deserved. That’s how we survived. A part of us knows Little Us didn’t deserve what happened them.
But then there’s the realization that the people who were meant to love and care for us the most, didn’t believe that. They did think we deserved it. They did. And that’s what destroys us.
This realization is then compounded with another. Society thinks we deserved it too. And like our abusers and non existent protectors they want us to live in silence. They don’t want to hear how we suffer if they can’t retweet it. They don’t want to hear how they can take responsibility for their apathy and how changing that can lead to prevention and healing.
They want what our abusers want. To shut the fuck up and take it.
Even those of us who wish for heroes know they don’t exist. Why would we? All we have are other survivors. And most of us are too afraid to build community because the larger community doesn’t accept our voices. They oppress it.
“Survivor” is a dirty word. It means you are a burden to the society that turns their back to every victim. This includes non-survivor specialists. They just get to make money off of it.
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